my "baby" is 5...

forgive me if this post seems to be all over the place. i have so many mixed emotions about my baby growing up that i'm not sure how they will all come out. 

 
the other night as i was carrying porter up the stairs for bed he said to me, "when i'm eight you won't be able to carry me anymore" and i said, "i know, that makes me sad". he whimpered back... "me too!" and nuzzled his head into my neck. i'm thinking to myself as i'm trying to get to the top of the stairs quickly so i can set him down that it's gonna be a lot sooner than eight when i won't be able to carry him anymore! i suddenly became overwhelmed with sadness wondering when the last time will be and wishing i could know and not being able to believe that soon i will be past the stage of having children that i can hold. how did that happen so fast? i have this image in my head of me running after a school bus seeing my 3 boys looking out the back window at me and i'm running and running but i can't catch up, it just keeps going. i'm yelling "stop! wait, it wasn't time to go yet, i'm not ready. come back. please come back! let me hold you one more time." and then it's gone and out of sight. 

it was a couple weeks before porter's 4th birthday last year that i really started to feel as if my baby was slipping through my fingers and a little boy was emerging. i wrote a little about it in my journal and i want to share it here.

fleeting times
7-02-2009

"jeremy was watching a movie tonight with the boys on the floor in the living room with the lights off. fun for the boys since jeremy hasn't really been home too much lately and i was cleaning up, making the dough for watermelon cookies, moving the sprinkler around the yard etc..etc... finally, i got in the shower and porter came in with his night-night and was upset to find me in the shower. he said with frustration "i wanna hold you!" --LOVE that he still says that! i knew he was tired since it was a little after 10pm, we've been very relaxed about bed time this summer (and i've enjoyed them sleeping in some). i told him i'd hold him when i got out. i tried to hurry so i could at least sit and hold him for a little bit before the movie was over. i was too late...by the time i got downstairs he was asleep by jeremy on the floor. i grabbed him anyway and held him in my arms and watched what was left of the movie. as i was holding him, looking at him, just loving him and loving the fact that i could still hold him while he slept in my arms and how precious and peaceful he looked, i was thinking about how he will be four in less than 2 weeks--AMAZING! then i was trying to think of the last time easton or cooper fell asleep in my arms and i couldn't remember. they're just too big now--too big to hold nor do they want to be and they just don't fall asleep like that anymore. it makes me so sad to think of how short the time is we really have with our kids while they are little. any time now within the next 2 years could be my last to hold porter like this. of course thinking these things as i'm holding him makes me not want to ever let go, i could sit there and hold him forever. i just don't want to ever forget the details of what it was like when they were young--or every stage of their lives for that matter."

not forgetting the details is a really huge thing for me which is obviously one reason why i take so many pictures but it's the things like how their voices sound laughing or crying or the way it feels to hold them that i don't ever want to forget as well. ever since porter was born, knowing he was my last baby, i have tried to be very deliberate to make sure i stop and take time to breath in the moments...the every day beautiful mundane moments. i don't ever want to forget the way he smells all hot and sweaty or clean and yummy straight out of the tub, or the way his little hand fits perfectly into mine, or how it feels when his arms are wrapped around my neck and his legs around my waist as i hold him, or the sound of his sweet yet oh so loud voice, the smell of his "puppy breath", the way he looks while he's sleeping or how he says he wants to "hold you", how he messes up my hair and says i look like a rock star or the way he tells me i'm "bootiful". i want to memorize it all. every. last. detail.
in light of not wanting to forget, i had my beautiful friend sara haworth of mud pies and pixie dust photography take some special pictures of porter and i to kind of emulate our "cuddle time". you know i mentioned earlier about wishing you could know when something is the last time, well i just had this gut feeling that this neat thing between porter and i was soon coming to an end. i remember calling sara with a real urgency to have these pictures done.
 
ever since porter could talk when he wanted me to hold him he would say "i wanna hold you". the little sound of his sweet voice is what made it all the more precious. that was something that i never corrected him on and i dreaded the day that he would say it the right way. he would always come to me with his night-night and ask to "hold me", i'd pick him up and his head goes on my shoulder and his thumb in his mouth and then we sit and cuddle. same every time, every day.
these were taken in october/november and we went to mexico the end of january. he hasn't said "i wanna hold you" once since we've been back. he says it the right way...sigh. we do still cuddle, he still loves his night-night and thumb but it's less and less often. i am so thankful i had these pictures taken. they turned out beautifully and really captured the essence of our special time. i will cherish these forever. thank you sara.

i like to think that porter will love these pictures too some day as i'm realizing me holding him is pretty important to him as well. just yesterday morning i said to him, "you're gonna be 5 tomorrow! today is your last day to be four...ever, can you believe it?!" to which he sighed "i don't want to grow up". i asked him why and he said "because then you can't hold me anymore". (either i subconsciously talk about this a lot or somehow he knows i'm feeling the same thing by how tight i hold him!) it made me think of this children's book that my parents gave me when i was 15 and it now belongs to my boys called "love you forever" by robert munsch. the theme through out every stage of the little boy's life was his mom rocking him singing. "i'll love you forever, i'll like you for always, as long as i'm living my baby you'll be". i love the truth in that.

we have a somewhat new game that porter loves to play. the "i love you more" game. i say i love you to him and he gets such a kick out of saying " i love you more and more and more and more and more..." and he'll go until he's out of breath! i tell him how lucky i am to be his momma but i don't even try to explain this amazingly fierce throw-yourself-in-front-of-a-bus-give-your-life-in-a-second kind of love that i have for him. one day he'll know.

so today, on your birthday porter, i want to thank you for bringing such joy and excitement to my life (even when i think i could use a little less excitement--lol), for keeping me on my toes, for still coming to my room first thing every morning, for still wanting me to hold you, for always running to sit by me as soon as i sit down, for still needing me to comfort you when you get hurt, for that certain "i've got you wrapped around my finger" look you give me...yeah, you know the one! for all these things and many more, i am so blessed to be your momma. i know you are torn sometimes between still wanting to be my baby and yet so badly wanting to be a big boy and that's okay. you just continue to be you and i'll always be on the side lines cheering you on every single day of your life! i can't wait to see what God has planned for you and i look forward to seeing the story of your life unfold...slowly though okay?

you have my heart porter boy.
...and i love you more!
 

   

Comments

[Steve Jones]

Oh my goodness, it's a good thing there was a big box of kleenex next to the computer in Jason's office when I read this. I can't believe how beautiful the words and pictures are. You know the perfect way to express your thoughts and feelings. I know that you feel the same about Easton and Cooper but because Porter is your baby, the finality is magnified.

As your mother, I felt those things as you all grew up so fast too. Now, as Grandma, I'm finding sadness in not having any more grand "babies" to hold and cuddle. The 9 grands are getting to the age they don't want Grandmas kisses all the time. The cycle of life is bitter/sweet.

You will be so glad you have taken the time to record all of this as it will cement those memories in your heart and mind as the years go by.

Love you bunches, Mom

[Jenna]

Holy cow Juli! Do you know what an amazing writer you are??? I know I told you last time about your mad photography skills...but I think you have just as much talent in the writing catagory. As the old teacher in me would say of all the 6 traits of writing I would say your strongest is "voice!" I can just hear you talking as I read your writing and I love it! That isn't easy to do. I agree with mom...you know exactly how to express your thoughts and feelings and you are gonna be so glad you did! What an inspiration you are! This is way cooler than any scrapbook anyone could make. That is my opinion at least. I don't know how you do it, but way to go! You had me crying too and yes, that book is very special to us, thanks to our mom and dad and now it can be to our kids too! Love you too!

[Jenna]

I forgot to say earlier #1 how gorgeous you are...I always tell you that, but #2 how unbelievable your hair looked in that picture where it just shows the back of you! No fair!!! Now that is some PERFECT hair!!!

[Cija Cooksey]

okay, I am with Jenna on the prefect hair comment! Loved your post, it inspired me to get some pics of me and girls, I am always behind the camera. Thanks for the inspiration!

[s]

girly--first time i saw this i was headed to an appt and had to stop reading else id have been re-doing all my makeup! you so eloquently put into words the flood of feelings/emotions/thoughts we have about our little ones growing up that are sometimes quite difficult to know how to adequately express. he'll feel so special one day to read your thoughts.....thanks for reminding me once again how quickly time passes and to not take for granted a single moment. im not yet where you are, but all to soon i will be. btw--i got a chuckle out of everyone's comments about your hair, cuz my thought was, what about her butt? HAHAH i guess its not shown real well in these crops but you could totally be butt model for a designer jeans line! hope you're enjoying your vacay---hug that pretty sis of yours for me too!;)

[Sarah]

Wow, Juli. I just read this, as we've ended a day of celebrating my boy's upcoming 6th birthday, and I'm crying. You've captured what moms feel so beautifully. I am thankful for the tight snuggle I got from Zach today, thanking me for his party, and the fact that he still fit in my lap. Thanks for the reminder to treasure it all, every day.

[Stephanie]

I am going through these same emotions with Elliott getting ready for kindergarten.

For Christmas Jason and the kids got me the book "Let Me Hold You Longer" by Karen Kingsbury. It approaches this subject and is a tear jerker.

I painted the kids hands in the front so I would remember the exact stage that they gave me this book. I hope that it will remind me to always hold on to them in the present.

Loved this post.

[Candi]

Oh Juli....thank you for giving words to all those feelings....S- unbelievable pictures...