it's hard to be a mom sometimes
(this isn't exactly what i thought my first post of the year would be but it's something that continues to be on my mind so i figured i'd just share it and let it go.)
i cried the whole way home from mcdonalds. the whole way. and then a little bit more when we got there. questions and statements running through my head "where have i gone wrong" " what do i need to do?" and then the lies that satan likes to slip in there like "you are a terrible mother" etc..
it was the one day a week that i take porter to his choice of lunch after preschool. usually it's mr. goodcents but today it was mcdonalds. after we ate we entered the play place which was unusually crowded, i ran into a friend who was on her way out and she thoughtfully offered me her chair. she made a comment about there being lots of crazy kids and my nerves immediately kicked in because that's the perfect setting for porter to get into some sort of a fight (unfortunately speaking from experience).
i sat there directly in front of the play structure watching porter and i kid you not it hadn't even been five minutes when i see him grab some kid and very harshly push him/throw him--i don't know but it certainly didn't look good! i stand right up and call him to come down as i hear the child crying. he makes his way down and i tell him to get his shoes on, that we are leaving since he can't control himself, questioning him as to why he did what he did and scolding him of course. believe me, all i wanted to do was to grab him and get the heck out of there as fast as i could! seriously, can we not go anywhere where i don't have to end up apologizing to someone?!! all the noise went away and all i could hear was the child crying and i swear it felt like every eye in that place was on me, all the while porter was in slow motion getting his shoes on. complete and utter embarrassment.
as i'm trying to hurry him along he is saying things like "that kid is weird" and "he wouldn't let me by" and was not acting remorseful at all. meanwhile the child is still crying and no one has noticed yet and i'm trying to figure out what to do. finally some kids start to yell for their mom that so and so is bleeding. my heart sinks even more. as the woman comes forward i say to her that my child is the reason for the crying, that i saw him push her kid. she says to me "well, what a good mom you are for even watching" and i'm thinking, i wish...i just know my kid.
this lady had to climb up to get her boy and when she emerged i see a child that is significantly smaller than porter (probably 3 or 4yrs old) with a very bloody lip. now i really want to disappear. she whisks him off into the bathroom that is conveniently located right there in the play area and i stand there with porter just mortified. i feel as if i'm being judged as a mother by all who are watching. i know in reality that most people there weren't even paying attention but that's how i felt.
despite his refusing i told porter he was going to apologize. i finally knock on the door and when she opens i see a mother who is holding her sweet little guy with a cleaned up face and a little cut on his lip. i immediately start apologizing up and down and to make it worse i had to force porter to say he was sorry and when he did it couldn't have been more rudely. talk about a proud mama moment...not. then, as if i wasn't embarrassed enough i start bawling. most people who know me will not be surprised by that at all. next thing i know though this sweet lady is giving me a hug and says " it's okay, it's hard to be a mom, i know". she leaned down to porter and ever so nicely said a few things about being kind. i mentioned he was the youngest of 3 boys and it turns out her little guy was too. she had a friend with her who patted me on the shoulder and said they all had boys and that it is indeed hard. i was very thankful for these ladies and their kind words of forgiveness and encouragement. they could have easily been the exact opposite. i could tell they were very sincere, they made me feel that motherhood is truly a sisterhood and we are all in this together. anyway, my tears were flowing and i needed to get out of there asap before it got ugly!
i gently cried and sniffled the whole way home all the while having some serious words with porter who just seemed to not be getting any of it. i could tell it was bothering him though that i was crying because he kept saying "would you stop crying mom". i talked about having compassion for other people and gave examples. he seemed to be bothered by the fact that i said i cared for that little boy. when i pulled into our garage i just sat there for a minute before i opened my door and he popped up front and gave me a big hug, i hoped that was a sign that something was sinking in. who knows, it was an on going conversation all day and continued when daddy got home.
so at the end of the day, still sad and frustrated and thinking that porter really didn't get much of what we tried to talk to him about i remembered something i've heard time and time again from various sources and that was to model the behavior you'd like to see in your children. so i have to let myself believe that even though i deeply wanted to run out of mcdonalds the fact that i stayed to apologize and the fact that porter saw me crying and showing sincere concern for these people we didn't know did something in his little mind. please Lord, let that be the case.
finally, the next morning i read a status update on facebook from one of the blogs that i follow, ispiredtoaction.com. it said this "today's prayer topic for our kids is compassion. God, please grow in my children a heart of compassion for others. Col.3:12". God's timing is amazing huh?! (or i guess you could argue that in this particular situation it was a bit late--ha ha!) so this is a huge prayer for me. i know he has it, i know it's in there. i've seen it and i know the sweet crazy little boy that i spend my days with. i've said it before, porter marches to the beat of his own drum and i wouldn't change him for anything. we just have a few things to work on:)
**i have to laugh, because just the other day i was reading some sort of article about blogging, at least one person's opinion of it, and it said something like nobody wants to read real lengthy posts and to include lots of photos. LOL! so here you go-- a very lengthy post and i added a totally random photo just so there was at least one! i don't really know why i even posted this story. i guess it was mainly for myself, to be able to look back and remember a hard day, because there are lots of them. and to remember like what the nice lady at mcdonalds said to me "being a mom is hard". and well, being lengthy is kind of my thing:)
